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"Discourage litigation. Persuade your neighbors to compromise whenever you can. Point out to them how the nominal winner is often a real loser -- in fees, expenses and waste of time. As a peacemaker, the lawyer has a superior opportunity of being a good man. There will still be business enough. Never stir up litigation. A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this." - Abraham Lincoln

What is Peacemaking?

Peacemaking (conciliation) is more than conflict resolution. The conciliation process is based on biblical principles that promote understanding, personal responsibility, justice and relational reconciliation.

Conflicts are often resolved through secular mediation methods that help two or more angry and bitter people grudgingly agree to a compromise resolution in order to end or avoid litigation and because they lack the legal leverage to get a better result. Then they go away continuing to be angry, bitter and resentful even though they no longer have any outward conflict. But they obviously still have inner conflicts, which will inevitably lead to more outward conflicts if they have an ongoing relationship, such as in the case of divorced or separated parents.

The Christian conciliation process can be a wonderful, effective and life-changing process because it seeks to go much deeper than the surface issues. I encourage my clients to seek to understand and resolve their conflicts through the application of biblical principles, such as “consider the interests of others and not just your own,” “love your neighbor as yourself,” “do to others as you would have them do to you,” forgive whatever grievance you have against each other,” “confess your sins to one another” and many others.* I guide them through a process of dialogue that includes thoughtful listening and that can and should lead to a humble acknowledgment of wrong acts and attitudes. When parties participate in good faith, there is much hope for the resolution of conflict and a much higher level of relational harmony for those in ongoing relationships.

I will consider accepting any case regardless of the religious convictions of the parties, provided they are willing to respect the Christian principles underlying the conciliation process (see "Biblical Basis" below)*. People from all different religious faiths and people with no religious faith have found Christian conciliation to be a very valuable and beneficial means of resolving conflicts with others. In fact, approximately one half of my clients have been non-Christians who have found my services to be very beneficial and satisfying.

Description of Services - As a "Certified Christian Conciliator" (a trademark of Peacemaker Ministries), I offer three levels of service. I provide conflict coaching and written resources to help individuals explore ways to resolve disputes personally and privately. I also provide mediation, an informal process in which one or more mediators meet with all of the people involved in the conflict to help them arrive at a voluntary settlement of their differences. Finally, I provide arbitration, a more formal process in which one or more arbitrators hear each side’s arguments and render a legally binding decision. (For a more detailed description of these services, see the Institute For Christian Conciliation’s publication: Guidelines for Christian Conciliation, which contains an Introduction to Christian Conciliation and Rules of Procedure, which can be viewed and obtained at the Peacemaker Ministries website under the "Get Help With Conflict" link at the top of the home page.)

Domestic Relations and Divorce Mediation - As a lawyer, I have been handling domestic relations cases in Maryland since 1991, mostly in Montgomery County. That means that I bring a knowledge of domestic relations law and local practice to the table when I conduct mediation. However, when I conduct mediation, I am not working as a lawyer for either or both parties. Instead, I work for both parties as a completely unbiased and neutral peacemaker. I walk clients through every issue that must be discussed and I facilitate dialogue regarding those issues. I work with a female comediator whenever possible so that my clients benefit from the contributions of two neutral parties who are able to provide two independent perspectives as well as male and female perspectives. In the mediation context, we put our four heads (two mediators and two clients) together simultaneously to think of beneficial and sometimes creative solutions to problems. You are much less likely to achieve mutually beneficial outcomes that you both believe are fair and just when you negotiate a separation agreement through your lawyers and you are even less likely to achieve a mutually beneficial and satisfactory result when you ask a judge to make those decisions for you.

Even though I provide divorce coaching, mediation and arbitration services and help parties negotiate separation and property settlement agreements when necessary, it is never my intention or desire to facilitate a divorce when there is any hope of reconciliation. Like God, I love relational reconciliation and I love to be a part of the process of relational reconciliation. I believe there is a factual basis for saying that in most cases, if you and your spouse divorce, it will be one of the worst things that you can do to yourselves and to your children, especially if they are minors. In other words, in most cases, divorce is a mistake. It causes more harm than it prevents. It causes more problems than it solves.

But it is not my goal to simply make judgmental pronouncements. I can provide a wealth of information to clients to help them make an informed decision about the issue of divorce before it is too late. I can also explain why divorce is not usually the answer to an unhappy marriage and I can provide information that may restore your hope for a brighter future without a divorce. If two spouses are participating in good faith in the biblical conciliation process, there is ALWAYS hope for reconciliation. You might not believe that now. But it would be my joy to be given the opportunity to explain why I believe that is true.

Therefore, I have special requirements for parties who request divorce mediation services. First, I request that parties speak to their pastor (if they have one) about the conciliation process and have their pastor contact me. The pastor must affirm that the case is appropriate for Christian Conciliation and confirm that the church is willing to participate in and support the conciliation process as much as necessary.

The second requirement is that the parties must express a willingness to work through the case in three separate stages. The first stage involves an effort to help the parties understand how each of them contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. In many cases this will reveal ways that the marriage can still be preserved. Even if a divorce occurs, it will help the parties identify the things they need to change in order to have more successful relationships in the future. The second stage is to explore all reasonable avenues for restoration and reconciliation, even if that might involve a long and circumspect process. Although I cannot and would not try to force parties to reconcile, I want to make sure that if either party pursues a divorce, they will be making a rational and informed decision as a last resort. If both parties are willing to work on the first two stages in good faith, but reconciliation or a mutual effort to pursue eventual reconciliation does not take place, then I will move on to the third and final stage, which will involve the mediation and, if necessary, the arbitration of the legal and personal issues associated with the divorce, such as property settlement, custody and access arrangements, child and spousal support (alimony).

The good news is that many divorces can be avoided and many marriages can be restored, revitalized and eventually transformed into marriages that are more satisfying than the parties could have ever imagined as a consequence off this process and subsequent efforts.

Fees - The fee for individual or joint conflict coaching, for mediation and for other services is generally $150.00 per hour for all time expended in connection with the matter, including administrative activities, to be split evenly between the parties if more than one party participates, or as otherwise agreed upon by the parties. I also ask for an advance payment of $500 to $1,000 to cover at least the first several hours and help my clients demonstrate a commitment to the process. If you have limited income or are faced with a financial hardship, you may request a payment plan or fee adjustment. All advance payments are held in escrow until they are earned and all unearned monies that have been prepaid will be refunded at the completion of the case.

Biblical Basis - I believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life. Therefore, I base my services on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. For a description of the principles I embrace, see question 20 in Part I -Introduction to Christian Conciliation - of the Guidelines for Christian Conciliation.*

Not Legal Representation - Christian conciliation may be used to resolve legal disputes. Even so, I do not provide people with the kind of legal advice and advocacy they would obtain if they hired a personal attorney. Instead of representing one person against another, I work with and for all the people in a dispute to help them find a mutually satisfactory and enduring agreement. Therefore, in order to be fully educated and counseled regarding legal matters, you should consult with an independent attorney, who is welcome to accompany and advise you during the conciliation process or before you sign any binding agreements.

My Commitment to Confidentiality - Confidentiality is an important aspect of the conciliation process and I will carefully guard the information you entrust to me. To ensure that you are receiving consistent counsel and support, however, I need to be able to discuss your situation with your attorney or therapist, if you have one, and with appropriate leaders of your church, if you belong to or attend one. Furthermore, I may need to divulge information to appropriate civil authorities if there is a clear indication that someone might otherwise be harmed (see Rules of Procedure 16 and 17 for more information on confidentiality).

Your Commitment to Confidentiality - You too must agree not to discuss our communications with people who do not have a necessary interest in the conciliation process. In addition, you must agree to treat all dealings with me in regard to this dispute as settlement negotiations, which means they will be inadmissible in a court of law or for legal discovery. Furthermore, you must agree that you will not try to force me to divulge any information acquired during conciliation or to testify in any legal proceeding related to this dispute.

*From Introduction to Christian Conciliation of the Guidelines For Christian Conciliation.
20. What principles will I be expected to follow during Christian conciliation?

Christian conciliation promotes traditional Judeo-Christian values and principles that are an essential part of our common law and promote healthy relationships and the proper functioning of society. For example, if you submit a case to conciliation you will be encouraged to:

Be honest: Therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor (Eph. 4:25).
Do what is just and merciful: And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God (Mic. 6:8).
Accept responsibility for your actions and admit your wrongs: First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother's eye (Matt. 7:5).
Keep your word: Simply let your "yes" be "yes," and your "no" be "no" (Matt. 5:37).
Be concerned about the interests of others: Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil. 2:4).
Listen carefully to what others say: He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame (Prov. 18:13).
Overlook minor offenses: A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense (Prov. 19:11).
Confront others constructively: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
Be open to forgiveness and reconciliation: Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you (Eph. 4:32).
Change harmful attitudes and behavior: He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy (Prov. 28:13).
Make restitution for any damage you have caused: If a man uncovers a pit or digs one and fails to cover it and an ox or a donkey falls into it, the owner of the pit must pay for the loss (Ex. 21:33-34).

In other words, if you use Christian conciliation, you will be encouraged to follow the rule that God has given to govern relations between all people:

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets (Matt. 7:12).